I am not a baby!

Today I'm just having a pity party for myself I guess. Some days are harder than others being away from my family. We moved to Iowa some time ago and EVERYONE is back home in the Tri-State area (Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana) near Cincinnati. There was a death in our extended family this past week and I wanted to go home so bad, I wanted to be with my family, not just to see them and comfort them but for a selfish reason too. I guess I needed to see them and be comforted that they're still there. Even with all of today's technology there is still nothing like feeling the arms of someone you love wrapped around you and seeing their actual face in person, feeling their energy.  My parents are getting older too, my dad just had a triple bypass last year. That was so scary, I'll never forget how he looked after the surgery when he was on the ventilator. They tell you what he'll look like but nothing can really prepare you for the shocking reality of it. I want to be home so bad, I want to be with my family so bad. Is it so wrong to feel that way? I'm here with my husband and my 13 year old step-daughter but I feel like I'm all alone.  I'm going to be 44 years old, why do I feel like this? I feel like an alien and my "lifeforce" is being drained because I'm away from my planet. Obviously God has me here for a reason, I know this, I've already seen the HUGE miracles in my husband especially. Oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? I'm not a 3 year old that needs her mommy! Is this what I'm supposed to learn? How to be alone? How to live without my family? Why is it me? Why was I the one sent away? Why did I have to move? Why did my husband lose his job? Why did we have to lose our house? Lots of people don't live near their families right? Lots of people don't even like their families!! Send them away!

I can do this! ....... I do all things through Christ who strengthens me! .... Dear God please help me I pray...........

My family in 2009 when we left, it's grown more since then!

MY Grandma - she's 91 now!

My brother and his wife

My sister, her husband and my niece

My Mom and Dad

I love them and miss them all so much!

God bless them all and keep them safe!

Amen

 

What do you think about these earrings?

Remember last year about this time those feather hair extensions came into style? I wanted to get one so bad but after I started seeing 12 year old girls with them, I just felt stupid being 43 years old paying $40 to get rooster feathers glued into my hair. But here I am again looking at feathers for my hair. So, I'm thinking about these feather earrings! I've seen some stars wearing some of them and I think they look so cool Plus since I have crappy thin brown hair, I thought maybe since these feathers were longer, it would actually add a little more volume and interest to my hair.

..... What do you think?

Do you like them or will this just look like another desperate aging 40ish women trying to recapture her coolness?

I was cool at one time.... I swear I was.....

No.....                              this is not me...........                           I wish!

K is for Kidding, L is for Lying and M is for Myself

So I know I'm kind of doing my own take on the Alphabet challenge for April and I wasn't able to write everyday this past weekend, so today I'm going to do K, L and M. They go perfectly together especially for what I did today. I joined Weight Watchers again today. I did their program last year and lost about 25 pounds, I have kept about 20 of it off but you see I can't lie to myself anymore, I am morbidly obese. Like for real. I normally NEVER talk about my actual weight! Even when I was going in for surgery I made sure that my weight wasn't openly discussed. So here it goes....   I weighed 277.8 this morning at my first weigh-in. I figure if I'm going to do this, if I'm going to really do this, then I have to do things differently so I might as well announce it to the world. My husband used to smoke almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day and through the Grace of God he was able to quit cold turkey, so if he can do it, why can't lose weight? I know all things to do! I've done every program they have out there! But yet here I sit, still so ashamed of this "addiction", this thing I cannot control! I ended up in the ER over the weekend for a very bad migraine and my husband was standing right next to me when the nurse asked my weight. I was MORTIFIED! I know my husband loves me, but I think God has put blinders on him to make him not see my weight. I had to say my weight out loud, there it was for the first time, the first time "it" was ever said in front of him. I was humiliated, I couldn't look at him. He said nothing. He still hasn't said anything. I'm still afraid to ask him about it, it had to be a shock for him to hear those numbers. I'm 5'3" and he's 6'5" and I weight more than he does. I'm going to use this as a turing point for me, I am entering a transistion phase right now, with God's grace I will change!  No more kidding myself, no more lying to myself!

J is for Jealousy but should be for Jesus

J could stand for a lot of things in my family, we all have names that start with the letter, even my brother and sister married people whose name started with a "J". I did not, very strangely both times I chose to marry men named "William". The first one went by Scott and the current one goes by Will. But I chose Jealousy for "J". Jealousy has always been a real issue in my life. I imagine at one time or another we all have been jealous. Maybe starting off in school like when the new girl started in our class and SHE had the cute curly hair the boys liked when my hair was bone straight. (Maybe that's why I still to this day get a perm...) Maybe when it seemed like everyone in school was thinner and richer than me (but looking back now I would kill to be that thin) Maybe in every single relationship I've ever had I've always compared myself to any woman my husband made any sort of contact with and was terrified that she would decide to make him her husband. That is until now.. I've found the secret that ended my jealousy of the other woman syndrome. It was Jesus, plain and simple. but the catch is, it's not just Jesus in my life, it's Jesus in my husband's life too. I have seen such a change in my husband in the past few years that is nothing short of a modern day miracle. Anyone who knew him in the past would find it very hard to believe that this is the same Will that speaks about the power of grace and can't wait to worship Jesus. I'm not saying he doesn't look at other women or find another women attractive. I mean, let's be honest we do it too don't we? But I really no longer have that fear inside that he's going to find someone better and leave me, I've given those fears to God and it has therefore released my jealous spirit. Praise God I am finally free!! Thank you Jesus!

"I" is for Insane! In reference to my daughter's boobs!

So, we went to buy bathing suits today, no where special, just our local Wal-Mart because I didn't want to spend a lot of money on something that she will probably lose or grow out of it within the next six months. You know, like the last two $45 bathing suits I purchased. So, we are sticking with the tankini even though at 13 she wants a bikini, but I'm sorry I know some will disagree with me, my 13 year old is not wearing a bikini! That is insane and asking for trouble! After trying on a few suits, we came to realize that we are not going to be able to just buy something off the rack because, well, her boobs are just too big! How did this happen?! It's like the tops will fit here, she's rather thin but the cup sizes made for the tops are too small, she's spilling out of it! That's insane! I was really shocked! I guess she's grown quite a bit since school shopping last fall and the American Eagle sweatshirts tend to hide quite a bit. I can't believe how fast these kids grow up, especially the girls. The rate at which their bodies mature is just insane and unfortunately I don't believe their minds follow. Really, how can they? I just pray we can find some bathing suit for her online that isn't going to cost me a fortune and we still hide her hopefully soon-to-stop-growing boobies. And I pray and the Lord will keep those teen boys away for as long as possible!!! It's insane how much I miss the old flat chested days.....

GCB.....Do you watch it? Have you seen it? I LOVE IT!

I LOVE the new show on ABC called GCB! If you don't know it stands for Good Christian B*****S. It's based on a book by the same name and made by the guys that did Steel Magnolias and Sex & the City, and it's based around well.. good Christian... well, women. I find it hilarious! I was thinking that some Christians might find it offensive but I think we take ourselves too seriously sometimes. I grew up in an Independant Fundamental Baptist Church that was really more like a cult. It was extremely strict, no pants, no movies, no dancing etc, etc, etc until my parents came to their senses when I was around 17 years old. I still go to an Independant Fundamental Baptist Church, my core beliefs on God, Jesus and Salvation have never changed but I have now researched most things and determined what I actually believe according to the Holy Bible not according to what one man is telling me to believe. Even though I have not found anywhere in the Bible where it specifically states what you should wear to church, I still do have a hard time wearing pants to Sunday morning service. I know it's crazy! This year after we moved to Iowa was the first time I ever wore pants to church and that was just because it was like 50 below zero with the wind chill and I might have lost a limb had I worn a skirt to the morning service. Even so, walking in, I still felt somehow guilty about it! It's so weird how that has stayed in my mind all these years. My mother and grandmother still will not wear pants to church and actually they attend churches in Ohio were pants-wearing is frowned upon. Not out loud of course, but with judgemental disapproving glances. Well, I just about fell off the couch when I was watching my DVR'd episode of GCB and they were addressing the very same issue!!! Amanda had worn dress slacks to church!!! How terribly sinful of her!! Yet another case of art imitating life! So this makes me think that whoever wrote the book that this series is based on must have been a church going Chrisitian. I can't wait to see what other issues they bring up next! I must get this book and do further research!

My First Blog Post!

Ok, So this is my first blog post, I'm not really sure what to say so I guess I'll just say I'm glad that you're reading this because that would mean that I'm not a total failure and something about my blog at least looked somewhat interesting to you. Like I said in my "about me" section, I'm working from home now doing my own artwork and trying to sell it online and on etsy, etc and I really miss working in an office environment. Even though there was a lot of drama and gossip... I miss it! My life is soooo boring right now! My husband would say "Good!" but I feel really lonely most of the time. Right now I have one step-daughter who is 13 (Maddy) who lives with us and is in the full throes of teenagerdom and sometimes (sometimes!) I even miss her eye rolling and sighs of disgust when she's at school! I know! How crazy is that!?! Please don't ever tell her that either!! We have a dog, a Pit Bull named June, but she sleeps a lot and doesn't talk back much. I haven't made many friends here in Iowa, I've only lived here for a little while and it seems most people my age (I'm 43) already have such busy lives with their children and an already full circle of friends. I find myself for the first time actually lonely. Well, thank God for the internet anyway and for my church. I started volunteering in the office so I get to go there for a few hours every Friday and I just love it! Although last friday there was a huge mistake made and the Easter booklets were all stapled wrong, like really wrong, like sort of backwards, so all the staples had to be removed and restapled and there was like 500 or more! I should have caught it earlier, but I didn't. I don't think I will be offered a real job there anytime soon. How humiliating......it was just stapling! Have I lost my edge for work? I haven't "worked" in over a year now. I used to be good, I used to be like the best, now I feel old and sort of useless, I'm not sure why. Why do I still need a paycheck to tell me I'm worth something. That is just silly! I know this! but yet it still bothers me......